i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
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I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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