ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He passed out mid-signature
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
