Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
