mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
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Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Alive.
So much puke
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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