What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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