she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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