I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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