so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
