eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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