Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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