Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
