you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Farmville is her only friend.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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