wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
