fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?