1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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