yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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