i was born a porn star she said
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
