the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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