I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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