woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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