you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
