You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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