He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her