I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass