Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
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i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?