Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
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You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
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I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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