I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
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sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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