cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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