i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Text me some of your sweat
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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