how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
