Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
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I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
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You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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