And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
