as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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