her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
