I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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