I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
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Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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