dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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