Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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