The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My ass is underappreciated
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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