her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
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Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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