You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?