What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus