I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
