omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.