you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out