I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
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Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
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I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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