i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
