I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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