is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
