Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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