your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
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Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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