just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
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