I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now