I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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