i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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